Well,
well, well... Guess who's back?
Cue the
'boos'.
That's
right ladies and germs, we've risen from the ashes of the most devastating
lockout since the infamous 2000 Coral Shores High School Homecoming Sit-in!!!
We're back just in time to recall the fleeting moments of the 2010 season, back
with 4th and Goal, The Green and Gold Award and The Hurricane Award,
back with that hard hitting Swamp League news coverage, and of course we're
back with that Michael Cole swagg-- GLASS SHATTERS... Uh oh.
Oh did
we mention we've partnered up with Vincent Kennedy McMahon Jr. this year giving
the WWF (side note: The Weekly Swamp does not recognize the world wildlife
funds theft of wrestlings best known icon sans Hulk Hogan, the WWF logo and
name) what it truly needs, issues of the best newsletter known to man?
That
means we'll have special guest appearances from the WWF all over our issues
during the 10th year of what Tony Bruno would call SWAMP LEAGUE ACTION YO! And
the party bus rolling along that 95 South doesn't stop there TWS fans.
With
the move of TWS HQ to Hollywood (known to many now as Hairlywood) The
Editor-In-Chief has pulled some strings to bring even more A-List celebs into
the mix. Hey... At least we're giving a shit this year...
For
those of you that are new to The Weekly Swamp, be forewarned, this newsletter
is just awful. It's not that the fantasy football league we cover is boring,
just the opposite.
The
Swamp League was started by a small collection of pigskin fanatics who
discovered that the thrill of fantasy football filled the void that living,
what seemed like, a million miles away from Joe Robbie Stadium created.
But the
origin and highlights of the past ten years for this historic and evolving
group is for another issue.
The
point we're taking forever to make is this; the league is fantastic, it's the
combination of shoddy coverage, randomness and constant curses we put over the
owners that make us barely readable.
We're
kind of like Shane McMahon and The Meanstreet Posse or the typical LA blonde.
Incredibly dumb, easy to hate, but hard to take your eyes of off.
We
recap the weekly events of The Swamp League; scores, standings, side bets, and
the occasional name change. Throughout the season, TWS will explain backstories
of our past, present and future like episodes of LOST; sans the black smoke
monster and Richard Alperts black eyeliner.
Now sit
back and enjoy the craziness that is The Weekly Swamp!
"CAR!!!
CAR!!!" ...LOCKOUT ENDS... "GAME ON!!! GAME ON!!!" WAYNE AND
GARTH STOP TO GIVE THEIR SEASONAL PREDICTIONS SHAAAAAAWING
THE
CORPORATION, VINNIE MAC AND THE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF GET READY TO RUMBLE
TWS’
NEW TREASURER TED THE MILLION DOLLAR MAN DIBIASE RECOUNTS THE ROAD TO A SWAMP
LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP WHILE SCAMMING ORPHANAGES AND MULTIPLE CHARITIES
All
this and so much less in this first 2011 issue of...
THE
WEEKLY SWAMP
A note
from the desk of The Editor-In-Chief;
Back
again for another year of Swamp League madness, TWS promises to bring you
things of a Swamp League nature. Doing so, we have a few seasonal points we’d
like to make.
-- We
are NEVER on time. If we say episode VII is coming out on Halloween, expect it
around New Years. That’s just how we roll.
-- The
comments made in any of our interviews by parties other than TWS employees and
affiliates, which do not include coaches and/or owners, do not reflect the
ideals or beliefs of TWS, WWF, or any subsidiary company within.
-- We
will try to explain all inside jokes and references, but…. We’re kind of lazy,
so yea.
--
Virginia is for lovers. So sayeth Sir Malice and Lord Pusha T. With that being
said, this publication is NSFW; not suitable for work. But hey, if you can get
away with it…
-- TWS
has hired some new security, a few members of the WWE which we’ll get to in a
later article. In the meantime we’d like to welcome our new Head of Security, a
man who comes highly recommended by our leagues own Coach Showtime! Apparently
they did some sort of video shoot together a few years back… Anyways, without
further ado, we bring to you our new Head of Security; Zen Mayo!
As we
mentioned we are partnering up with World Wrestling Federation, bringing in
some major star power. We begin with our newest Treasurer, the richest man in
wrestling, Ted The Million Dollar Man DiBiase. For the low price of $999.95,
he’s bringing to you the last bits and pieces of 2010. Pay us soon or he’s
gonna Million Dollar Dream us! Enjoy TWSaholics!
With
innapropriate hugs and kisses,
--
Editor-In-Chief
A
Million Dollar Dream
Ha, ha,
ha!! TWS fans, you’re about to be awoken to the realization that dreams do come
true, but for the right price! I’m not even writing this article, Virgil my
bodyguard is doing that right now because I paid him to do it. Ha, ha, ha!
So even
me, The Million Dollar Man has a price. As such, we’re here to bring you the
tale of a golden dream finally realized. Let’s take you back in time when the
cold winds of December are upon us and the postseason is just under way. Yea
Virgil write that. No, not that sentence! Or this one, oh let me--
A
founding father of The Swamp is in first place, and breathe easy, it’s not The
Commish aka Gators. The BigBody Ballers look to finally capture FF glory but
he’ll have to run thru the ranks to do it.
The
sneaky G Knights are on a bye as well coasting towards the semifinals.
While
the Gators shred The Showtimers, Hair’s Dallors squek right past The Dough Boyz
and just like that we’re down to four titans looking for paydirt.
Unfortunately
for Hairs Dallors, The Hibbert Curse reared it’s ugly head as they fall to the
high powered offense of The BigBody Ballers. On the other side of The Swamp two
former champs lock horns as the G Knights take on the Gators. The Commish
proved too much for Coach Hair Trece and his G Knights as they get knocked out
for the season, leaving a championship bout of massive proportions.
On one
side you have The Commish, a staple of The Swamp and three time champion.
The
other side? The BigBody Ballers. Usually the bridesmaid, never the bride. A
dangerous collection of superstars that always seem to fall short on the rent.
Some
reports indicate that The BigBody Ballers paid off a few of their players to
rack up the score they did that day. Well at least that’s what I would have
done, how do you think I became champion? Ha ha ha!
In the
end, when the dust was settled, it was RTD aka Coach BigBody who was finally
hoisting the trophy this silly league doesn’t even have.
End of
story. Can I get paid in cash?
-- The
Million Dollar Man
Thanks
to The Million Dollar Man for that, now onto our first week of Swamp League
action!
Our
first matchup segways perfectly into our newest segment sponsored by Toyota;
Biggest Blowout!!
Our
first Biggest Blowout belongs to Selfs Soldiers as they roll over Dough Boyz
80-28 a staggering 52 point differential.
Dough
Boyz and their low scoring affair of 28 points were due to some lackluster QB
work by Matty Ice and the Pittsburgh D going for negative numbers. All three
keepers combined for a total of 2 points, not the start Coach O was looking
for.
Scoring
a healthy 80 points, Coach Self proved his Soldiers are ready for duty. Up next
in Week 2 they face Coach Doc Zoidberg and his Hooligans for The Trash Talk
Trophy!
Dough
Boyz (0-1-0)
Selfs
Soldiers (1-0-0)
Up next
we have Coach Hair Trece and his G Knights taking on newly renamed The
Mus-CHAMPS. Coach JJ is looking to bring his team back to 2009 status where
they took home the championship rings. Coach Hair Trece looking to do what they
do best, score points. But something is missing… Actually someone is missing…
Ruled
out of action for Week 1 and possibly forever, Peyton Manning rides the pine
for the first time in Swamp League history. Coach Hair Trece turned to his 11th
allor backup, Chad Henne??
26
points from the Phins QB, a few Tolbert touchdowns and an Eagles defense later
and you have the G Knights ruling the roost with 103 total points, taking out
The Mus-CHAMPS and looking for that Green & Gold Award.
Our
sponsor Toyota would like to introduce a new award, not necissarily given out
on a weekly basis, called Corolla’s Mr. Clutch! The award is given to any team
that makes the dreaded and prayed for Monday night comeback win and this week G
Knights take home the medal. Stay tuned as they aren’t the only team to take it
home!
G
Knights (1-0-0)
The
Mus-CHAMPS (0-1-0)
Hey
Garth?
Yea
Wayne?
What do
call a hot chick that plays fantasy football?
I don’t
know Wayne, what?
A
stacked-tracker.
Right
on, right on!
IT’S
THE SWAMP LEAGUE!!!
THE
SWAMP LEAUGE!!!
ACTION
TIME!!!
Ok, all
right! Party on Garth!
Party
on Wayne!
We’re
here to pick who we think are going to make it all the way to the finals this
year based soley on our sophisticated system, right Garth?
Yea… We
picked whose quarterback name we liked the most. You go first Wayne.
Ok, so
I’m going with The Golden Canes because they have my favorite quarterback…
Michael Dick.
Ha, ha,
ha! Good one Wayne!
Thanks
Garth, your turn.
K so
I’m leaning towards The-Mus CHAMPS and their QB…. Tony Homo.
Ha, ha,
ha, excellent! Well, their you have it Swamp fans, we’ll be back in future
weeks to give you more picks. Party on Garth!
Party
on Wayne!
IT’S
SWAMP LEAGUE!!!!
ACTION
TIME!!!
Many
thanks both Wayne and Garth!
Back to
The Swamp as the 2011 defending champs, the BigBody Ballers, take on Coach Doc.
Zoidberg in a long awaited game for the Hooligans.
“We had
a great draft! Ray and Tom are ready to go and McFadden is learning the new
system. We’re saying it right here, right now. We’re making the playoffs”,
boasted Owner Hollywood Hair.
But at
the end of the day on Sunday it looked bleak for Hair’s Hooligans who were down
by over 30 points on Monday morning.
Tom
Brady was certainly ready for a comeback W as he throws for over 500 yards and
4 TDs, giving the Hooligans a much needed confidence boost. Another recepient
of the Corolla Mr. Clutch award, HH hope to keep the ball rolling towards a
first championship.
Hair’s
Hooligans (1-0-0)
BigBody
Ballers (0-1-0)
The
Commish and his Gators snatch the W from The Golden Canes, as they push for
another championship in their 10th season.
Next
week, the Gators take on the Dough Boyz who are looking to rebound from their
bottom barrel performance last week as The Golden Canes take on The Showtimers.
Gators
(1-0-0)
The Golden
Canes (0-1-0)
As
promised, we’d like to announce our WWE bodyguards over at TWS HQ, Farooq and
Bradshaw aka The APA aka The Acolyte Protection Agency.
You’ve
been stuffed three times… It’s full-back time on the crucial play of…
4TH
& GOAL
4th
and Goal is where we take a peek at the closest game of the week and this one’s
a doozy!
Another
Corolla Mr. Clutch award is given out this week, but who’s the final lucky
recepient?
The
Showtimers vs. Hairs Dallors. The Battle at The Beach Shack.
They
used to be co-workers, even friends. Now? Bitter enemies. Well, not really but
this has to be dramatic right??
After a
goal line stance from the New England D, you’d think being up by a couple
scores would be enough. Not for Tommy Golden Boy Brady… A 99 yard, yes you are
reading that correctly, 99 yard TD pass to Wes Welker does in Coach Kingsley
aka Coach Hair Deuce and the loveable losers as the Showtimers score a come
from behind shocker winning by only 4 points!!!
The
Showtimers (1-0-0)
Hairs
Dallors (0-1-0)
AWARDS
The
Green and Gold Award goes to the player with the most points for the week. And
this week it goes to G Knights for their 103 point performance. Congrats!!
The
Hurricane Award goes to the player who shows the most heart in a week. Hard to
record and describe and different every week! The first Hurricane Award goes to Dough Boyz because scoring
28 points deserves some sort of recognition…
What
about Vinnie Mac and The Editor in a sit down?
Why is
Coach Kingsleys team name Hairs Dallors?
What
the heck is the Trash Talk Trophy?
Told
you we had shoddy coverage….
Find us
on our website;
www.theweeklyswamp.blogspot.com
and
follow us on Twitter...
@theweeklyswamp
We’ve
waited over a year for this?? Yikes….
