The Weekly Swamp Vol. 11, No. 4

THE MUS-CHUMPS FISHING FOR A W, TWO TEAMS BREAK TRIPLE DIGITS, GATORS AND DALLORS PUT UNDEFEATED STREAKS ON THE LINE

HAS THE COMMISH BEEN CORRUPTED? STAT CORRECTION BRIBERY ALLEGATIONS BOMBARD THE COCONUT TELEGRAPH

MR. 97 HIMSELF SITS DOWN WITH OUR EDITOR-IN-CHIEF AND TALKS ABOUT 4 POINT CHAMPIONSHIP LOSSES, JUDY-TITS AND CLOWN QUESTIONS, BRO

Get ready to GCOL in this brand new issue of…

The Weekly Swamp
Vol. 11, No. 4


It’s official; TWS has found itself a partner in crime to bring you the best coverage The Swamp League has ever had! Combing a plethora of charts, graphs, interweb browsing tools borrowed from Mrs. Edwards and Mr. Robbins brought to us via Yahoo, TWS has done a bit of reformatting to give you something more to read on your iPhone while on the toilet debating that last WR/RB flex spot. This gives us more time to devote to things like dallor curses, witty banter and commissioner conspiracies.

G Knights Obliterates The New Dallor to Move into Fourth Place

G Knights destroyed The New Dallor 137 - 51 while also putting up the highest score of the season. These two teams have matching 2-2 records, but G Knights has a clear lead in points, 340 - 255. It was an epic beating, and the 86-point margin of victory is the highest in the league this season. Adding insult to injury, The New Dallor had several starters score zero points.

G Knights Smooth Moves
• With 29 points, the San Francisco 49ers Defense had the highest score of any DEF in the league this season.
• The 25 points scored by Peyton Manning was the fifth-highest QB score of the week and is the seventh-highest QB score in the league this season.
• Greg Olsen scored 10 points, the third-highest TE score of the week and the sixth-highest TE score in the league this season.
• The 16 points scored by Matt Prater was the highest K score of the week and is the fifth-highest K score in the league this season.
• Stevan Ridley had the best RB score of the week and the fifth-highest RB score in the league this season with 18 points.

The New Dallor Regret Tracker
• Missed out on an opportunity by leaving the 15 points scored by Marques Colston on the bench this week. He outperformed his projected point total by 237.8%, the 10th-highest percentage in the league.
• Picked up Lawrence Tynes, who scored 5 points against his projected 8.45.
• The RBs on The New Dallor let them down, getting outgunned by the RBs on G Knights 42 - 4.
• The New Dallor was faced with 3 starters coming up empty in points.
• The New Dallor got beat 29 - 10 by G Knights at the DEF position.

What If
• G Knights would be 3-1 if they played The New Dallor every week.
• G Knights would have beaten every other team in the league this week.
• G Knights would have defeated The New Dallor 72 - 67 had they played each other last week.
• If they played the same schedule as The New Dallor, G Knights would be 2-1.
• If G Knights had played every team in the league each week, they would be 22-14.
• The New Dallor would have been beaten by every other team in the league this week.
• The New Dallor would be 1-2 if they played the same schedule as G Knights.
• If they played every team every week, The New Dallor would be 11-25.

Game Notes
• The margin of victory of 86 points set the record as the biggest in the league this season.
• This matchup featured both the highest-scoring team and the lowest-scoring team in the league this week.
• The New Dallor has underachieved for three straight weeks, having scored 51 points against a projected 67.08 this week.
• The New Dallor was last in the league in scoring for the second time this season.
• The margin of victory of 86 points was the worst loss of the season for The New Dallor.
• Both of the losses this season for The New Dallor have been blowout losses.
• G Knights won by 86 points, covering the 7.60-point spread.
• G Knights got a combined 42 points from their RBs, their highest combined scoring output from the RB position this season.



BigBody Ballers Gets Victory Against The Showtimers, Extends Their Losing Streak

BigBody Ballers defeated The Showtimers 120 - 86 and got the second-highest point total this season. The Showtimers is headed for a lost season and is winless. The Showtimers was coming off a 67 - 41 loss against The New Dallor and saw their scoring skyrocket this week. Both teams could have scored more points as BigBody Ballers had one starter turn in zero points and The Showtimers also had one. The Showtimers (0-3-1, 277 points) steps into eighth place and BigBody Ballers (3-1, 352 points) remains in third place.

BigBody Ballers Smooth Moves
• The 29 points scored by Aaron Rodgers was the second-highest QB score of the week and is the fourth-highest QB score in the league this season.
• The Chicago Bears Defense had 24 points, the second-highest DEF score of the week and the second-highest score among DEF in the league this season.
• Roddy White had 22 points, the highest WR score in the league this week.
• Jamaal Charles scored 13 points, which ranked third out of all the RBs in the league this week.
• With 10 points, Jordy Nelson ranked 10th in the league in scoring among WRs this week.

The Showtimers Regret Tracker
• Matt Forte scored a season-low 2 points, 36.1% of his projected 5.54, which is his lowest percentage of the year.
• The 6 points scored by Sebastian Janikowski was a season-low for both scoring and for his performance against projections. He reached only 77.4% of his 7.75 projected points this week.
• The Showtimers had only 3 of their 10 starters underperform versus their projections, but they still lost.
• Jeremy Maclin did not score, with 0 points against a projected 4.94.

What If
• If BigBody Ballers played The Showtimers every week, they would be 3-1 this season.
• BigBody Ballers would have beaten seven other teams besides The Showtimers this week.
• Had they played each other last week, BigBody Ballers would have defeated The Showtimers 80 - 41.
• If they played the same schedule as The Showtimers, BigBody Ballers would be 2-1.
• If BigBody Ballers had played every team in the league each week, they would be 26-10.
• Besides BigBody Ballers, The Showtimers would have been defeated by three other teams this week.
• If they played the same schedule as BigBody Ballers, The Showtimers would be 2-1.
• If they played every team every week, The Showtimers would be 14-21-1.

Game Notes
• The top players for BigBody Ballers were elite in the matchup, as three of their starters outperformed the leading scorer for The Showtimers.
• The Showtimers had the highest losing score in the league this season with 86 points.
• The Showtimers had their largest margin of defeat this season.
• The 34-point win by BigBody Ballers beat the 12.18-point spread.
• The 39 points by the WRs on BigBody Ballers was the season-high for combined points from the position.
• Andy Dalton scored 20 points against a projected 9.38 in the loss and has now beaten his projection in three straight games.
• BigBody Ballers had their highest score of the season and the second-highest in the league this season with 120 points.
• After scoring 5 points against a projected 3.78, Cedric Benson has now exceeded his projection in three straight weeks.



Hair’s Hooligans Gets Win over The Mus-CHAMPS, Moves Up to Fifth Place

Hair’s Hooligans beat The Mus-CHAMPS 92 - 76, led by Tom Brady, who amassed the second-highest point total of the season with 31 points. The Mus-CHAMPS is watching the season slip away, and doesn’t have a win to speak of yet. The Mus-CHAMPS was coming off an 82 - 57 loss against Gators and saw their scoring improve this week. Hair’s Hooligans started one player with zero points while The Mus-CHAMPS also served up one goose egg, meaning each team left something on the table. Hair’s Hooligans (2-2, 304 points) climbs into fifth place and The Mus-CHAMPS (0-4, 237 points) stays in the cellar.

Hair’s Hooligans Smooth Moves
• Tom Brady led the league in scoring and had the second-most points in the league this season with 31.
• Michael Turner had the second-highest score among RBs in the league this week with 15 points.
• Beat The Mus-CHAMPS, which had their highest-scoring week of the season.
• With 9 points, Eric Decker had his highest score of the season and beat his projected point total by a season-high 47.5%.
• The 8 points scored by Brandon Lloyd were a season-high.

The Mus-CHAMPS Regret Tracker
• Dan Bailey has scored below his projection in every game this season after scoring 4 points against a projected 8.67 this week.
• Steven Jackson scored 2 points against a projected 3.68 and has now underachieved in every game this season.
• Hair’s Hooligans won the K position battle, beating The Mus-CHAMPS 14 - 4.
• The Philadelphia Eagles Defense had a season-low 3 points against a projected 7.83 and has now underachieved in three straight games.
• The Mus-CHAMPS had 6 of their 10 starters score less than their projected points.

What If
• Hair’s Hooligans would be 4-0 if they played The Mus-CHAMPS every week.
• Hair’s Hooligans would have beaten six other teams besides The Mus-CHAMPS this week.
• Hair’s Hooligans would have defeated The Mus-CHAMPS 66 - 57 had they played each other last week.
• If they played the same schedule as The Mus-CHAMPS, Hair’s Hooligans would be 0-3.
• If Hair’s Hooligans had played every team in the league each week, they would be 18-18.
• The Mus-CHAMPS would have lost to five other teams besides Hair’s Hooligans this week.
• The Mus-CHAMPS would be 1-2 if they played the same schedule as Hair’s Hooligans.
• The Mus-CHAMPS would be 7-29 if they played every team every week.

Game Notes
• All four of the losses for The Mus-CHAMPS this season have come when their opponent had their highest-scoring week of the season.
• In the loss, The Mus-CHAMPS had the fourth-highest losing score in the league this season with 76 points.
• Hair’s Hooligans won but failed to cover the 18.93-point spread, winning by 16 points.
• The 92 points scored by Hair’s Hooligans is their highest score of the season and the sixth highest in the league this season.
• The 15 points by the RBs on The Mus-CHAMPS was the season-high for combined points from the position.
• Both teams topped their projections, but The Mus-CHAMPS performed better versus expectations than Hair’s Hooligans and still lost.
• The Mus-CHAMPS is in last place in the league for the third week this season.
• Cam Newton scored 26 points, the sixth-highest QB score in the league this season, but it was not enough to get The Mus-CHAMPS the win.


Gators Beats []_[] for Fourth Straight Win

Gators (4-0, 287 points) found a way to beat []_[], 67 - 62, despite scoring just the eighth-highest point total in the league this week. Gators averages 71.75 points per matchup for the season, and came pretty close to that (93.4%) in this one. Gators have had some beneficial matchups overall, currently in second place even though they rank just sixth in total points. This was a frustrating one for []_[] (1-2-1, 277 points) to take, who in addition to losing, also ended up ninth in the league in points.

Gators Smooth Moves
• Picked up the Arizona Cardinals Defense, which beat their scoring projection by 35.0%, with 12 points against a projected 8.89.
• A.J. Green scored 12 points, the sixth-highest WR score in the league this week.
• Darren Sproles scored 9 points, which ranked ninth out of all the RBs in the league this week.
• Gators was still able to pull out a win with only 3 of their 10 starters exceeding their projected points.
• Even with three players not playing this week, Gators still got the win.

[]_[] Regret Tracker
• Acquired and benched Scott Chandler, who scored 15 points and beat his projected point total by 368.8%, the fourth-highest percentage in the league.
• []_[] left the 14 points scored by James Jones on the bench this week. He beat his projected point total by 366.7%, the fifth-highest percentage in the league.
• In the midst of a season-low in scoring, Reggie Bush also did not meet his projected points (3 points scored versus 4.84 projected) for the third time this season.
• The 8 points scored by Jason Hanson was a season-low for both scoring and for his performance against projections. He reached only 90.7% of his 8.82 projected points this week.
• 6 of the starters on []_[] scored less than their projected points.

What If
• Gators would be 3-1 if they played []_[] every week.
• Gators would have beaten only one other team besides []_[] this week.
• Had they played each other last week, Gators would have defeated []_[] 82 - 71.
• If they played the same schedule as []_[], Gators would be 1-2.
• If Gators had played every team in the league each week, they would be 19-17.
• Besides Gators, []_[] would have been defeated by seven other teams this week.
• If they played the same schedule as Gators, []_[] would be 3-0.
• If they played every team every week, []_[] would be 14-21-1.

Game Notes
• []_[] scored 62 points against a projected 69.26 and has underachieved for three straight weeks.
• Although []_[] lost, they did put up the eighth-highest score for a losing team in the league this season.
• Gators was not able to cover the 10.65-point spread in the win.
• LeSean McCoy scored 7 points against a projected 10.86 in the win and has now scored below his projection in every game this season.
• The WRs on []_[] collectively had their worst week of the season with only 9 points.
• The RBs on Gators collectively had their best week of the season with 18 points.
• []_[] had their lowest output of the season with 62 points.
• Gators won even though []_[] performed better against their scoring projection. []_[] scored 89.5% of their 69.26 projected points, while Gators recorded 83.8% of their 79.91-point projection.


“When I saw the 
correction I went to Western Union and wired The Commish the usual payment.”

The statement by Coach Showtime that sparked a wildfire of controversy and allegations against the man put in charge of running The Swamp. Let us rewind back to the first week of the season and playback the matchup between []_[] and The Showtimers.

[]_[] had the lead on the first night of the season,4-0, but never saw it again as The Showtimers held court heading into the seasons first Monday Night Football game up by 10 points, 68-58.

Scoring another 8 points, Coach Showtime looked to go 1-0-0 on the season, but were blindsided by []_[] and Baltimore’s Defense who scored a whopping 18 points against Cincinnati and tied up the game 76-76.

That was Monday night.

Tuesday morning, Coach Nesto woke up feeling like he had dodged a bullet by making a monster comeback only to have said bullet ricochet off the Earths atmosphere and make one final land—ok this got too wordy but you see where we’re going with this. It was all due to a stat correction coming the next day giving The Showtimers the edge needed to win 77-76.

Detroit Dusty-kicked []_[] in the nads after being awarded an extra sack, thus an extra point, thus an extra win.

Afterwards, Coach Showtime publicly gloated about a payment of an undisclosed amount made through Western Union to Commissioner Kratish in return for allowing the stat correction.

TWS has reviewed the tape of the game in question and have not seen any evidence showing a fourth sack. Yahoo, our new partner here at TWS, are in the process of reviewing the same materials. The uproar has brought up a new issue; is it time to investigate Commissioner Kratish himself? At 4-0-0, his record clearly shows that something is working over on the Gators sidelines, does this warrant a closer look?

These are the questions posed to several coaches in the league, most wanting to remain anonymous, and here’s what they had to say.

“Should he be impeached? I don’t know. But something don’t smell right in The Swamp, and it ain’t just BigBodys feet!”

“A great commissioner and a helluva guy, but he does like money…”

“Has anyone seen Olo?”

“We all know he’s not to be trusted. This is nothing new.”

“Who’s ‘Commissioner Kratish’? You mean Kratistro? Yea, that guy’s a bum.”

Next week, we plan to have our annual Commissioners Corner Chat, and believe us when we say you won’t want to miss it as we bring the hardest hitting questions he’s been faced with yet. Will The Commish answer to the criticisms and allegations? Is it time for an official investigation? Has anyone in, or around the Hialeah area seen Olo? Stay tuned TWSaholics!



Hair’s Dallors Pulls Off Comeback over Selfs Soldiers, Tacks On Fourth Straight Win

Hair’s Dallors (4-0, 371 points) edged Selfs Soldiers (1-3, 288 points) 87 - 83 in a matchup with several lead changes. They were led by Drew Brees who had 28 points and the Houston Texans Defense who scored 23. Selfs Soldiers took control first, up 29 - 24 after the initial set of Sunday games. After the late Sunday games, they lost that lead and fell behind 64 - 60. The lead shifted direction again on Sunday night, and Selfs Soldiers went up by a 3-point margin. However, Hair’s Dallors pulled off the comeback victory on Monday night, with 11 points from Robbie Gould.

TWS: First off, last season, congratulations on making it to the finals. After barely clawing your way into the playoffs in that final sixth spot your team falls only 4 points short of a Championship. This must have been tough, how was the off-season for Hairs Dallors?

HD: Let me first go on the record as saying that in no way shape or form am I excited about having to give an interview to this sham of a publication known as the Weekly Swamp. However, with the league policy on speaking to the media being what it is, It appears that I have no choice. I truly believe in my heart of hearts that giving this interview will Dallor-curse the Hair's Dallors.

My team is hungry after falling victim to a monumental upset against a terribly overmatched team. Hair's Dallors was the better team during last year's playoffs and was the better team on the field during the championship game. Had it not been for Jimmy Graham (a Hair's Dallors wannabe) intentionally dropping a pass in the endzone and basically throwing the game in favor of my opponent, I would be wearing a championship ring.

However, as I like to tell my team, when life gives you Judy-tits, just suck the milk out of them, and that's what we did all offseason and the fire that this team has been exceptional. Losing that matchup last year in the championship has provided the fuel that this team needed to get through the offseason and you have seen the results thus far this year.

TWS: 4 and 0. That's where your team lies after nearly a third of the season, beasting out (as the young go-hards say these days) with 371 total points and counting. Your 2012 Draft Day Projections had your team finishing just shy of the playoffs at 7th place with an overall 5-8 season. What are the chances your team festers in such a manner, finishing 1-8 in the final nine weeks as some experts have claimed?

HD: About my early season success, I will simply tell you what I have told my team week in and week out and after each of our four wins...."It's not how you start, it's how you FINISH".
I am not about making predictions so I will not address the Draft day projections because they have about as much credibility as this ducks-upstairs of a publication.

TWS: Sources say that you've adopted a John Gruden-esqe persona as of late, calling out other coaches and in one instance you were quoted asking "How does it feel to be a dead man walking?" shortly before a double digit beatdown. Is this true?

-- No comment was made. All we got was the icy cold stare that only a John Gruden type could dole out.

TWS: The Commish is close to being accused of taking bribes for stat corrections, not unlike the New Orleans Saints bounty program the NFL has been faced with this year. There is no evidence, but the words a few weeks back by Coach Showtime have raised some doubts. Where does a tentpole organization like Hairs Dallors fall on this critical Swamp League matter?

HD: As far as Kratish goes.....We all know he is not to be trusted. This is nothing new. I am behind Coach Showtime 100% on that one.

Now if you will excuse me, I have to get my team ready to face an opponent who is clearly better than his 1-3 record shows. My bye week doesn't come until week 9 [vs. Hairs Hooligans] so holler at me again at that time.

Thanks for the "clown questions", bro.


Hair’s Dallors Smooth Moves
• The 28 points scored by Drew Brees was the third-highest QB score of the week and is the fifth-highest QB score in the league this season.
• The Houston Texans Defense had 23 points, the third-highest DEF score of the week and the third-highest score among DEF in the league this season.
• Made a good move in sitting C.J. Spiller this week. He brought in -1 point, the fewest of any RB on the team.
• Victor Cruz had the sixth-highest score of any WR in the league this week with 12 points.
• Even with a zero from starter Martellus Bennett, Hair’s Dallors was still able to win.

Selfs Soldiers Regret Tracker
• Lost the matchup even though Hair’s Dallors had their lowest-scoring week of the season.
• Selfs Soldiers got outscored 23 - 4 by Hair’s Dallors at the DEF position.
• The 2 points scored by Tony Gonzalez was a season-low for both scoring and for his performance against projections. He reached only 36.6% of his 5.46 projected points this week.
• Selfs Soldiers had only 4 of their 10 starters underperform versus their projections, but they still lost.
• With 4 points, the Dallas Cowboys Defense scored only 42.6% of their 9.38 projected point total.

What If
• If Hair’s Dallors played Selfs Soldiers every week, they would be 4-0 this season.
• Hair’s Dallors would have beaten five other teams besides Selfs Soldiers this week.
• Had they played each other last week, Hair’s Dallors would have defeated Selfs Soldiers 90 - 48.
• If they played the same schedule as Selfs Soldiers, Hair’s Dallors would be 3-0.
• If Hair’s Dallors had played every team in the league each week, they would be 33-3.
• Selfs Soldiers would have lost to four other teams besides Hair’s Dallors this week.
• If they played the same schedule as Hair’s Dallors, Selfs Soldiers would be 1-2.
• Selfs Soldiers would be 15-21 if they played every team every week.

Game Notes
• Although Selfs Soldiers lost, they did put up the second-highest score for a losing team in the league this season.
• Hair’s Dallors has topped their projected point total in every week this season.
• Hair’s Dallors was able to cover the 0.19-point spread in the win.
• BenJarvus Green-Ellis had a season-low 2 points against a projected 5.04 in the win and has now scored below his projection in three straight games.
• At 4 points, the margin of victory was the tightest of the week.
• The RBs on Selfs Soldiers collectively had their best week of the season with 36 points.
• Hair’s Dallors got their lowest combined scoring output from the RB position this season with only 6 points this week.
• Hair’s Dallors had two starters score more points than the highest-scoring starter for Selfs Soldiers.


AWARDS

The Green & Gold Award

The award goes to G Knights who scored a season high and possible Swamp League record breaking (we’re still checking on that…) 137 points! Congrats!


The Hurricane Award 

The award goes to BigBody Ballers for also breaking the triple digit barrier racking up 120 points! Congrats!



You know the drill folks! Tweet to us on how shiny and new TWS looks! Or just let us know how much we ruined your afternoon! Either way, twitter our account @TheWeeklySwamp

And don’t forget to check out the ridiculousness that is our website; The Weekly Swamp

NEXT WEEK…

THE COMMISH GETS THE HOT SEAT TREATMENT IN OUR ANNUAL COMMISSIONERS CORNER

A DALLOR CURSE LURKS IN THE MUCK OF THE SWAMP… WHO HAS IT AND WHY…

TWS IS VERIFYING A PHOTOGRAPH SENT TO US THIS WEEKEND, IS IT REAL? IF SO THE IMPLICATIONS ARE SHOCKING AND WILL FOREVER CHANGE THE SWAMP LEAGUE



Hey man, what about Week 3? Oh yea… Week 3… Meh.

THE WEEKLY SWAMP

VOLUME 11, NO. 1

DALLORS AND BALLERS AND 1 POINT STAT CORRECTIONS, OH MY! WEEK 1 IN THE BOOKS, RECAPS AND SCORES AHEAD!

“IT’S ONLY THE FIRST WEEK MY LITTLE CHIPPIES” WE SAT DOWN WITH COACH DOC ZOIDBERG, THEIR NEW SURPRISE GM AND THE REST OF THE REIGNING CHAMPS FOR OUR FIRST INTERVIEW OF THE YEAR!

CORAL SHORES’ OWN DEAN OF STUDENTS RON MARTIN HANDS OUT THE 2012 DRAFT DAY REPORT CARDS AND RUNS A FEW OF YOU DOWN IN HIS GOLF CART!

AUSTIN 3:16 SAYS I JUST PICKED MY FAVORTIES FOR THE PLAYOFFS!! OH HELL YEAH THE RATTLESNAKE IS IN THE BUILDING AND NOT A BEER CAN IS SAFE!!

All this and yup. So. Much. Less. In this weeks edition of…

THE WEEKLY SWAMP

VOLUME 11

NO. 1

We’re back Swamp fans and we’re slammed packed with news this week so let’s jump right into the action!

Our first matchup of the 2012 season is between BigBody Ballers and The MusChamps and folks it was a blowout! Not like the UM/KState blowout, but it was still pretty horrific to watch. BigBody Construction set up site and threw the wrecking ball through Coach Joiners Muschumps 92-49.

“I promise you one thing, a lot

Of good will come out of this.

You will never see any player in

The entire country play as hard

As I will play the rest of the

Season. You will never see

Someone push the rest of the

Team as hard as I will push

Everybody the rest of the season.

You will never see a team

Player harder than we will

The rest of the season.

Hooooorah!” said sternly Coach Joiner with a mist in his eyes. Will his words ring true, bring about a championship run and mount a plaque commemorating this particular moment? Keep it locked TWSaholics!

BigBody Ballers (1-0-0)

The MusChamps (0-1-0)

Next up we have the rookie of the league The New Dallor taking on the troublemaker of the league, Coach Self. His soldiers suited up, but somebody emptied their clips as Coach Kyle KI Dubbs adds his Swamp League debut to the W column 89-62.

Coach Kyle could not be reached for comment, but did leave this post in regards to his week one win over Selfs Soldiers; “Get this clown outta ‘hair’, I’m through with him!”

This new guy’s really making a mark hair… Could his next target be the incumbent champions?

The New Dallor (1-0-0)

Selfs Soldiers (0-1-0)

Editor-In-Chief!! Get into my office right now!!

Ron Martin here. Dean of Students, Coral Shores High School, Monroe County Florida. I’m not here to tell you any funny jokes ok? My golf cart needs a charge so I’ll pass out your less than stellar grades for this years 2012 draft and I’ll get on my way. I hear a couple of young punks making trouble in D Wing and I see Easevoli trying to skip 3^rd period. Johnny!! Get back here!!

Back to the madness, our reigning silver medalist is significantly less attractive than McKayla Maroney, but at least—wait, what? She’s how old? … Ladies and gentlemen, we here at TWS would like to retract that last statement. Let’s just say our reigning silver medalist is of age and goes by the name Coach Hair Deuce aka Coach Hibburt With A U. His Dallors went toe to toe with another longstanding member Coach Hair Trece and his G Knights and it wasn’t pretty as the first place losers Ohio St. the Knights 97-79.

After the game a big trade went down only the second of the season after The Commish traded Reggie Bush to TeamNoSleep for A.J. Green, again involving The Commish. This time, he traded Victor Cruz to Hairs Dallors for Darren Sproles.

Kratistro really wanted this trade to go down telling TWS “I’ve been a Sproles since his K State days. I had to get my hands on him”, but is The Commish having a fire sale?

“Feels good to rip off The Commish again, see prior trade where I acquired Brees” said Coach Hibburt at a press conference earlier this week.

So we looked it up. The Commish traded away Drew Brees for Andre Johnson, opening up a spot at QB for the Gators. No problem for The Commish, saying “RG3 is the next Peyton Manning”

But after almost breaking triple digits in week one, Hairs Dallors are looking to do something they haven’t done in a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time. Win a championship.

Hairs Dallors (1-0-0)

G Knights (0-1-0)

GLASS SHATTERS

OH HELL YEA TWSAHOLICS!!!

The Rattlesnake is here to give my Stone Cold locks for the playoffs in 2012.

Hairs Dallors and BigBody Ballers both are gonna get easy byes into the semis, but fighting in the quarterfinals we see The Showtimers showing up The Commish as well as the rookie The New Dallor out dustying G Knights to move on.

In the semis, we’ve got The Showtimers coming up short against Hairs Dallors and The New Dallor looking to pull a Coach Nesto and grab the trophy in his first season as he gives the Lou Thesz Press to BigBody Ballers.

The Superbowl gives us the underdog redshirt freshman up against the seasoned vet in a one on one matchup that goes down to the wire. The New Dallor and Hairs Dallors get to the very end at the same time and tie. For the first time we’ll have two co-champions.

Coach HD extends the olive branch with a cold Steveweiser and Coach KI Dubbs reluctantly accepts. Doing so, he raises it high into the air towards the crowd in celebration. Turning back to Coach HD, he finds himself on the receiving end of a devastating Stone Cold Stunner. Welcome to The Swamp League, rookie.

And that’s the bottom line…. Because Stone Cold said so!

“Blop, blop, blop, I don’t see a problem with that either!” exclaimed Hairs Hooligans newest GM.

He’s a man of few words, but quality always beats out quantity. And bear traps. Owner of Hairs Hooligans, Hollywood Hair had this to say about the new GM.

“We’d like to introduce the newest acquisition of the Hairs Hooligans franchise, our new General Manager; The Mayor of Jefferton.

He brings invaluable knowledge on many areas including dams, glass eyes, porcelain birds and bronzing. He also brings his personal assistant a one Thumb Petress as well as a secretary named Eileen.”

It better light quite the fire as Coach Doc Zoidberg lost a squeaker to the Gators 63-61 in week one and have the rookie bulldozer, The New Dallor, on the docket next week. He had this to say after the game.

“We’re the champs ok? We won’t just be fine, we’re going to dominate. A dynasty. That’s what you’re looking at. First we’re gonna make the rook think twice about coming up against the champ, then in a few weeks we’ve got our rivalry matchup against the Soldiers, but there’s something on the horizon we’re really looking forward to.

In week 9, we have a rematch of SuperBowl X against Hairs Dallors. We cooking up something big, but we’re not revealing anything yet, but stay tuned to TWS to find out!”

Thanks for the plug Coach!

Dynasty Warriors or Hairs Fooligans?

Gators (1-0-0)

Hairs Hooligans (0-1-0)

Finally we have our game of the week in which The Showtimers seemingly tied TeamNoSleep. Seemingly.

How awful would it be to go to bed on Monday night knowing you barely staved off defeat, settling with a tie and saying sweet dreams only to wake up Tuesday morning to the nightmare that is… DUN DUN DUN!!!! STAT CORRECTIONS!!! AHHHHH!!!!

That was the scene for one young Coach Nesto as he realized he had been taken to dinner and left with the bill, paying in an 0-1 record in the 77-76 loss.

Coach Nesto couldn’t be reached for comment, but Coach Showtime did have this to say;

“Well listen, it’s no secret Kratish (The Commissioner of The Swamp League aka The Commish) likes me more than Ernesto so when I saw the correction I went to Western Union and wired The Commish the usual payment.”

Coach Showtime takes home the w, but has he also taken things too far?

“As the self proclaimed King of The Swamp League I can pretty much do whatever I want. Heck, I might sit my whole team one week and I’d still win.”

The biggest heel in The Swamp has awoken and it seems like this is going to be a crazy season folks, hold onto ya butts!

The Showtimers (1-0-0)

TeamNoSleep (0-1-0)

AWARDS, YO’S. AWARDS.

If you’re not familiar with our award system, that’s ok! It doesn’t mean you’re stupid, it just means you’re not very cool. But we’re gonna learns ya, so pay attention hot shot.

GREEN AND GOLD AWARD

Our Green And Gold Award goes to the Swamp League team with the most amount of points. Our first GNG goes to Hairs Dallors for blowing up the scoreboard with a monsterous 97 point outing this week! Congrats!!

HURRICANE AWARD

Our Hurricane Award goes to the Swamp League team with the most amount of heart shown during the week, and week one’s Hurricane Award goes to our newest team; The New Dallor for a huge week one win and showing the Swamp that this new kid on the block means business! Congrats!!

In next weeks issue…

WE HAVE ANOTHER WEEK OF RED HOT SWAMP LEAGUE ACTION WITH THE ROOK TAKING ON THE CHAMP WHILE HOLDING A GIANT CUP OF COFFEE AND YELLING “AHHHHH WHATS YOUR PROOOOOOOOOOBLEM?!?”

SPEAKING OF THE NEW DALLOR, WE SENT OUT THE INVITATION FOR A HOT SEAT INTERVIEW BETWEEN THE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF AND COACH KI DUBBS… WILL HE EXCEPT OR BUCK THE ESTABLISHMENT??

ACCUSATIONS ATTACK THE COMMISH! COULD KRATISH BE THE NEW SEAN PAYTON? IS THERE SOME SORT OF BOUNTY/STAT CORRECTION CONSPIRACY HITTING THE SWAMP?!?!?

THE SWAMPS TROPHYLESS WAYS CONTINUE, BUT COULD THE END BE IN SIGHT? COME GET SMACKED IN THE MOUTH WITH A CHAMPIONSHIP BELT FULL OF TWS GOODNESS HERE NEXT WEEK AND EVERY WEEK AS WE BEGIN THIS YEARS COVERAGE OF THE SWAMP LEAGUE!!

Do you have twitter? Are you bored with the same old tweets from celebrities that you don’t really care about, but keep on your feed in case they tweet back one of your daily tweets to them? I doubt LeBron James gives a sHEAT about your “#LetsGoHeat” tweet. Are you tired of getting no response from @AdamShefter on who to start in your flex spot?

Cool. You’ve come to the right place! You can spend all that wasted time tweeting us! @TheWeeklySwamp Tweet us about anything. Or don’t. We don’t even know who’s running that thing…

And for more TWS goodies, visit our site now up and running; The Weekly Swamp Website

How excited are you for another 15 weeks of this guys?!? Guys?? Guys?!?!?!?

The Weekly Swamp Preseason Edition

GCOL! Yup. We’re back.

We think.

Three labor disputes, a couple of sexual harassment cases (both dismissed, pop the champagne) and a Dallor Curse really rocked TWS last season, but at least we didn’t head-butt our newlywed over a box of rubbers….

Yea. We’re definitely back.

We’re doing this the I Just Got A Fat Contract And It’s Only The Preseason Style; half assed, sloppy and full of kinks.

Strap on! Wait. Strap in? Yea. Strap in!

AFTER OVER A DECADE OF SPECULATION, DEBATE AND FALSE CLAIMS WILL THE SWAMP LEAGUE FINALLY LAND ITS TROPHY WIFE?

EXTRA, EXTRA, READ ALL ABOUT IT! THE SWAMP LEAGUE LANDS NEW MEMBER! ROOKIE SAYS “BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!”

SPEAKING OF BEST, COULD IT HAVE BEEN? NO. MAYBE? BEST? DRAFT? EVER? 

All this and yup… You guessed it, so much less in this dysfunctional piece of fantasy football coverage we call;

The Weekly Swamp

Volume 11

Preseason Edition

Bada bop bop booooooop, i’m lovin’ it. Your thoughts on our return, right guys?

We here at TWS want to take a moment and thank everyone for the support you show in reading our publication. We appreciate any and all comments and feedback. Unless it’s to tell us how bad we are. We already know that and have to deal with crying staff writers all day and they are some really ugly criers. With that being said, we’d also like to thank The Commish for allowing us to have such in-depth access to all the teams and for paying us in stale donuts.

"Hey guys, I just want to thank you for letting me be a part of this league, it means the world to me. This is the best day of my life." exclaimed Coach Kyle KI Dubbs of The New Dallor on Draft Day 2012.

Unreal. Amazing. Who is Kyle??

All responses to the news that one of The Swamp Leagues oldest standing members, Coach Olo and his Dough Boyz, have been replaced by Coach Kyle KI Dubbs and the newly renamed The New Dallor.

In the early Sunday morning hours, the day of the draft, Commissioner Kratish officially transferred ownership of the then named Dough Boyz over to Coach KI Dubbs, finalizing the biggest change to the league since it’s last expansion to ten teams.

The Swamp League has let members go before, but never a “Grandfathered in” team. Time will tell if the newest member replacing the longstanding tent pole squad; Dough Boyz can handle the humidity of The Swamp League.

TWS officially welcomes The New Dallor and has one piece of advice…

We forgot what it is right now, but when we remember it, we’ll text you or something.   

And the remodeling continues with yet another change, this time it's on the scoreboard. Fantasy players will now receive a bonus after a certain amount of yardage has been attained. Here to explain the new bonus system is Commissioner Kratish.

“This year we are trying out a new scoring system. By popular demand, players will now be rewarded for achieving milestones in yardage.

RB and WR

100+ yards = 1 point

150+ yards = 1 point

200+ yards = 1 point

QB

300+ yards = 1 point

400+ yards = 1 point

500+ yards = 1 point

Points will be cumulative. For example, a QB with 530 yards will be rewarded 3 points, 475 yards 2 points.”

Thanks to The Commish for those graceful, clear, concise and yes classy examples.

Does The Swamp League have a new piece of hardware? Could it possibly be in the works?

Honestly? We don’t know. See, we’re not that great at the investigative stuff. But we did get a great suggestion from Champ Has Fleas aka The Showtimers; A statue of Jerry Sandusty. It’s simple, irrelevant, offensive.

Perfect.

Any other suggestions? Tweet them to us @TheWeeklySwamp

Or not.

BEST DRAFT EVER

Pretty much explanatory.

It's draft day 2012 and there's electricity in the air. A new member is aboard and it's the one day a year that ten strapping Coral Shores Alumni reunite to begin the most adventurous journey one can take. We had big picks, shit picks, and one team basically became the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Now things ain't always sunny in the swamp, not even on draft day. A minor setback involving the order put the entire league on hurricane watch. Instead of last place getting the first pick in the fourth round (after three rounds keepers being announced) Hairs Hooligans, 2011 Champs, received said pick. The back up? The Commish declared the round a wash and ordered all teams to pick "garbage" players. Simple, right?

... Nothing is ever simple in The Swamp. Several players, including the reigning champion, selected less than "garbage" picks. Whether it was accidental, someone really wanted Prater or owners yelling "Suck my Vick!" one thing is for sure. It was pandemonium. Commish was not pleased and for the first time in league history, he blew the whistle.

TIMEOUT!

Picks were erased, but in the end the wash round came out squeaky clean and set the tone for a draft filled with laughs, gasps and a few new nicknames...

An old rivalry ignited between Coach Zoidberg of the Hairs Hooligans and Coach Self of Selfs Soldiers. Neither could be reached for comment in time for printing, but don't worry swamp fans, we're on top of it. When we get some time to do it... Jeez 'mom' get off our back!

Sorry. (Mr. Warden voice)

It’s only preseason, let’s keep it PG.

NEXT WEEK ON TWS;

INTERVIEW SO HARD COMMISH WANNA FINE US

WHO’S GOTS WHO’S, YO’S? WE’LL REVEAL THE ROSTERS FOR ALL TEN TEAMS AND GIVE OUT SOME CORAL SHORES REPORT CARDS. MARTIN IS NOT PLEASED…

WEEK ONE SCORES, STORIES AND SCUFFLES. ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT FELLAS, BREAK IT UP! THESE BOYS GET ALL ANTSY IN THEIR PANTSY WHEN THEY GET THAT MAPLE SYRUP IN THEM!

WE HAVE A SPECIAL MYSTERY IN HOUSE GUEST GIVING US HIS STONE COLD LOCKS FOR THE 2012 PLAYOFFS!

TWS. More painful than a late 90’s shower at Penn State.