The Weekly Swamp Preseason Edition

GCOL! Yup. We’re back.

We think.

Three labor disputes, a couple of sexual harassment cases (both dismissed, pop the champagne) and a Dallor Curse really rocked TWS last season, but at least we didn’t head-butt our newlywed over a box of rubbers….

Yea. We’re definitely back.

We’re doing this the I Just Got A Fat Contract And It’s Only The Preseason Style; half assed, sloppy and full of kinks.

Strap on! Wait. Strap in? Yea. Strap in!

AFTER OVER A DECADE OF SPECULATION, DEBATE AND FALSE CLAIMS WILL THE SWAMP LEAGUE FINALLY LAND ITS TROPHY WIFE?

EXTRA, EXTRA, READ ALL ABOUT IT! THE SWAMP LEAGUE LANDS NEW MEMBER! ROOKIE SAYS “BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!”

SPEAKING OF BEST, COULD IT HAVE BEEN? NO. MAYBE? BEST? DRAFT? EVER? 

All this and yup… You guessed it, so much less in this dysfunctional piece of fantasy football coverage we call;

The Weekly Swamp

Volume 11

Preseason Edition

Bada bop bop booooooop, i’m lovin’ it. Your thoughts on our return, right guys?

We here at TWS want to take a moment and thank everyone for the support you show in reading our publication. We appreciate any and all comments and feedback. Unless it’s to tell us how bad we are. We already know that and have to deal with crying staff writers all day and they are some really ugly criers. With that being said, we’d also like to thank The Commish for allowing us to have such in-depth access to all the teams and for paying us in stale donuts.

"Hey guys, I just want to thank you for letting me be a part of this league, it means the world to me. This is the best day of my life." exclaimed Coach Kyle KI Dubbs of The New Dallor on Draft Day 2012.

Unreal. Amazing. Who is Kyle??

All responses to the news that one of The Swamp Leagues oldest standing members, Coach Olo and his Dough Boyz, have been replaced by Coach Kyle KI Dubbs and the newly renamed The New Dallor.

In the early Sunday morning hours, the day of the draft, Commissioner Kratish officially transferred ownership of the then named Dough Boyz over to Coach KI Dubbs, finalizing the biggest change to the league since it’s last expansion to ten teams.

The Swamp League has let members go before, but never a “Grandfathered in” team. Time will tell if the newest member replacing the longstanding tent pole squad; Dough Boyz can handle the humidity of The Swamp League.

TWS officially welcomes The New Dallor and has one piece of advice…

We forgot what it is right now, but when we remember it, we’ll text you or something.   

And the remodeling continues with yet another change, this time it's on the scoreboard. Fantasy players will now receive a bonus after a certain amount of yardage has been attained. Here to explain the new bonus system is Commissioner Kratish.

“This year we are trying out a new scoring system. By popular demand, players will now be rewarded for achieving milestones in yardage.

RB and WR

100+ yards = 1 point

150+ yards = 1 point

200+ yards = 1 point

QB

300+ yards = 1 point

400+ yards = 1 point

500+ yards = 1 point

Points will be cumulative. For example, a QB with 530 yards will be rewarded 3 points, 475 yards 2 points.”

Thanks to The Commish for those graceful, clear, concise and yes classy examples.

Does The Swamp League have a new piece of hardware? Could it possibly be in the works?

Honestly? We don’t know. See, we’re not that great at the investigative stuff. But we did get a great suggestion from Champ Has Fleas aka The Showtimers; A statue of Jerry Sandusty. It’s simple, irrelevant, offensive.

Perfect.

Any other suggestions? Tweet them to us @TheWeeklySwamp

Or not.

BEST DRAFT EVER

Pretty much explanatory.

It's draft day 2012 and there's electricity in the air. A new member is aboard and it's the one day a year that ten strapping Coral Shores Alumni reunite to begin the most adventurous journey one can take. We had big picks, shit picks, and one team basically became the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Now things ain't always sunny in the swamp, not even on draft day. A minor setback involving the order put the entire league on hurricane watch. Instead of last place getting the first pick in the fourth round (after three rounds keepers being announced) Hairs Hooligans, 2011 Champs, received said pick. The back up? The Commish declared the round a wash and ordered all teams to pick "garbage" players. Simple, right?

... Nothing is ever simple in The Swamp. Several players, including the reigning champion, selected less than "garbage" picks. Whether it was accidental, someone really wanted Prater or owners yelling "Suck my Vick!" one thing is for sure. It was pandemonium. Commish was not pleased and for the first time in league history, he blew the whistle.

TIMEOUT!

Picks were erased, but in the end the wash round came out squeaky clean and set the tone for a draft filled with laughs, gasps and a few new nicknames...

An old rivalry ignited between Coach Zoidberg of the Hairs Hooligans and Coach Self of Selfs Soldiers. Neither could be reached for comment in time for printing, but don't worry swamp fans, we're on top of it. When we get some time to do it... Jeez 'mom' get off our back!

Sorry. (Mr. Warden voice)

It’s only preseason, let’s keep it PG.

NEXT WEEK ON TWS;

INTERVIEW SO HARD COMMISH WANNA FINE US

WHO’S GOTS WHO’S, YO’S? WE’LL REVEAL THE ROSTERS FOR ALL TEN TEAMS AND GIVE OUT SOME CORAL SHORES REPORT CARDS. MARTIN IS NOT PLEASED…

WEEK ONE SCORES, STORIES AND SCUFFLES. ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT FELLAS, BREAK IT UP! THESE BOYS GET ALL ANTSY IN THEIR PANTSY WHEN THEY GET THAT MAPLE SYRUP IN THEM!

WE HAVE A SPECIAL MYSTERY IN HOUSE GUEST GIVING US HIS STONE COLD LOCKS FOR THE 2012 PLAYOFFS!

TWS. More painful than a late 90’s shower at Penn State.