The Weekly Swamp Volume 4, Issue Number 5

“ Ur team is on the hit list bur” – Coach Killa Karpha

THINGS ARE GETTING A LITTLE MUGGY IN THE SWAMP….

THE HIBBERT CURSE STORMED TWS HQ AND DEMANDED AN INTERVIEW… SO WE PUT DOWN THE BUBBLER AND JUMPED ON I-4, LANDING AT RAYMOND JAMES STADIUM… AND THE YUCKANEERS STILL LOOK BAD… BUT COACH KINGSLEYS HOPING FOR A COMEBACK LIKE NO OTHER AS WE GOT TO CHAT WITH THE HIBBERT CURSE!

THE COMMISH HAS SENT DOWN A NEW RULING REGARDING PROPOSITION $25 AND SHOWS US THE MONEY!

THE SWAMP LEAGUE IS ALL SHOOK UP IN THE RANKINGS BUT HOW CRAZY HAVE THINGS GOTTEN?

DOES THE SWAMP LEAGUE HAVE A GIANT KILLER? A DAVID TAKING OUT GOLIATHS? A DALLOR SLAYER?

WE’RE GOING STREAKING…. OK, STOP VOMITING; WE’RE TALKING ABOUT THE STRINGS OF WINS AND LOSSES THAT HAVE HIT THE SWAMP LEAGUE!

SCORES, SNORES, BORES AND SO MUCH LESS IN THIS WEEKS ISSUE OF….

THE WEEKLY SWAMP

We have got an action packed week so let’s get right to it! The Commish and his Gators have been slipping a little bit as of late but did that continue this week against the G Knights?

Coach Hair Trece lost the first game of the season and since has been on a tear! Like a Walsh on a lobster boat, scooping slobs all day long!

The Commish takes another huge hit to the Gators as the G Knights take home the W, 97-58.

Now at 4-1-0, Coach Hair Trece hopes to lead the G Knights back to the land of success and yet another Swamp League Trophy!

Are the Gators fading back into The Swamp?

Have the G Knights lanced their way back into the top three for good?

G Knights (4-1-0)

Gators (1-4-0)

As the biggest week of the season loomed, Coach Kingsley didn’t flinch. It was The Battle Of The Bottom Of The Barrel and he put on the white helmet, bared down and knocked off The Blue Crew, 104-70.

Breaking triple digits and putting The Hibbert Curse in the early playoff picture was no easy task.

“Well, I started off slow, and at halftime was actually losing by about 20. We made the adjustments at halftime and Mike Turner got up and made a great speech. I think it really turned around when we put the #1 vs. #2 game on right after Turner’s speech. Yep, it was Hair vs. Self, and the cameraman showed the Coach Hairkid (Coach Doc Zoidberg) on the sidelines and it made my players blood boil. We came out early in the 2nd half and TJ and Andre made some big plays and we got right back in it. My team is going to put up points!”

And Coach was not into chatting about his newest rival… yep you guessed it… Hairs Hooligans…

“His team is not that good.”

And it gets brutal folks… Mature Audiences Only.

"He thinks he has all these ballers but when I look at his roster, I’m not impressed. It’s not some much Coach Zoidberg as much as it is THE HAIR. The hair likes to run its mouth. All in all there is not a ton of beef, but you always gotta gun for who’s on top. Normally I like to plan my season around my matchups with the Gators, but since they are pulling a Dusty Allorrs in the Dallor-league (being in last place in your own league), our team has other concerns currently.”

This interview may not have happened, but Coach Kingsley actually showed up with Kevin Smith and Mike Sims-Walker demanding to be put on the record.

“Ever hear of the Madden Curse? Well my beef stems from the TWS pre-season champion pick. Yes, it was me, and hell, it was a great educated guess. But right now, it appears to have cursed me. Week 1 I start Schaub….0 TDs, Hasselbeck on my bench gets 4. Week 2, I start Hasselbeck, he breaks his ribs! Schaub has 4 TDs on my bench. It appears that the new curse of the league is none other than The Hibbert Curse, and right now, my entire franchise has a major beef with TWS and all involved.”

This guy’s got a beef with everyone! But it wasn’t all bad news… The Hibbert Curse pulled a viable Mike Sims-Walker for TJ Whosyomamma just minutes before game time… What the hell happened?

“Apparently Mike had a little rendezvous with Steven Moffett in Seattle , and they were out a little too late. Curfew is Curfew and their can not be exceptions. As much as it hurt, I had to give Housh the start, and he delivered. Mike is still the starter but Housh will be seeing more time after last week’s performance.”

But after all this… Is The Hbbert Curse championship bound?

“Its going to be interesting, that is for sure. Hairs Hooligans seem to look good but I don’t think they are all they’re cracked up to be. They are definitely beatable and their coaching is very shaky. Rick (Coach Hair Trece of the G Knights) has proven he knows how to win with honor. Something Coach Hairkid (Coach Doc Zoidberg) could learn. Coach Showtime is a wildcard, and you can’t sleep on Coach Self, Coach BigBody, or anyone else in the league for that matter. Every team is capable of beating every team on any given Sunday. That is what makes this league great. If you don’t believe me, ask Kratish what happened with Olo last week.”

#1, 2, and 3 (Dolphins, Gators, The Blue Crew) are now looking at dire situations at #8, 9, and 10 respectively... Can Coach Kingsley help explain the shake up in the Swamp League?

“Does it have anything to do with The Hibbert Curse? It’s way too early in the season to judge. We need to wait a few more weeks and see how things shake out.”

Great insight stink kid.

Does he have any particular strategy for Selfs Soldiers in Week 6?

“Planning on having someone special give the pre-game speech. (Name rhymes with Flawed Bones)”

Could the Florida Marlins’ greatest closer of all time be heading into The Hibbert Curse locker room for a Big Gipper type motivational movement? Who? Todd Jones! Who? Todd Jones!

And finally, with major implications on the line, we asked;

We have still not received a definitive answer... Yes or No on Proposition $25?

“Hair.”

After this he “dusty-kicked” a chair over in a dallor-like tantrum as we left St. Keeleysburg, Abramo County , Florida .

The Hibbert Curse (1-3-1)

The Blue Crew (1-4-0)

Speaking of hating on those Hooligans…

IT WAS A RIVALRY GAME!!!!

And not just any Rivalry Game… This was…

The Trash Talk Trophy Game!

Selfs Soldiers. Hairs Hooligans. Both heavy boasters. One team wanting to stay atop the league, the other; looking for first place for the first time.

And this one did not disappoint sports fans!

Hairs Hooligans haven’t scored less than 69 points a game…. Pun intended.

Could Selfs Soldiers take down the undefeated, scoring an average of 78.75 ppg?

“We continue to work hard and play hard. After last weeks win we went out and partied with Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt. And Brad turns to me and says ‘Hey… How ‘bout them Hooligans?’” – Coach Doc Zoidberg

Selfs Soldiers suffered only their second loss of the season to the Hooligans, 77-53.

“We really needed to take back the trophy after last years sad loss. And now… It’s time to focus on the second half of this season....”

How much longer can the Hooligans stay perfect?

Will Selfs Soldiers see a familiar trash talking rival in the finals?

Hairs Hooligans (5-0-0)

Selfs Soldiers (3-2-0)

Proposition $25. The Swamp League may be going green… And we ain’t talking eco-friendly…

With all the whispers now turned into shouts, a decision has been made. TWS scored a few moments on the phone with The Commish and this is what he had to say;

“70% of the vote is needed. Those that do not care for it can leave. You can’t please everyone.”

So here’s the breakdown…

Hairs Hooligans – Yes

G Knights – Yes

Who’s Bert Tronics? – Yes

Selfs Soldiers – Yes

Dolphins – Yes

Gators – Yes

Six for yes.

Three for undecided.

One for “Hair” and/or “An expulsion of Hairs Hooligans from The Swamp League forever”. Thanks for breaking the tie Coach Kingsley!

One more vote for yes and Prop. $25 will be the newest part of The Swamp League!

Dough Boyz, BigBody Ballers and The Blue Crew have yet to announce their decision.

Stay tuned TWS fans… if there are any out there…

Who is Bert Tronics?

A. Hip-Hop Phenomenon

B. The electrical experts at Holiday Isle

C. The last of the names in the name change dynasty

If you answered C, give yourself a huge pat on the back because you’re not only correct, but you’re about to stumble in to another heated game review between The Showtimers (Coach Showtimes new and possible permanent name) and a team on a mission; The BigBody Ballers.

With only eleven points separating these two juggernauts, The Showtimes come out on top over the BigBody Ballers, 75-64.

Maybe this new side of Showtime that has been exposed is for real, but maybe Zen Mayo’s long lost brother is pulling the hair… ooops, we mean wool over everyone’s eyes.

Can Coach RTD/BigBody pull this season together for their first ever Swamp League Trophy?

Will we ever see another “Big Sloppy Ballers” or “Selfs Shits”? We here at TWS will miss the name changes, but if you’re going to stick with one name… It’s gotta be… Showtimers.

Showtimers (4-1-0)

BigBody Ballers (2-3-0)

We’ve driven down the field eighty yards and have come to final play of the game… It’s time for….

4TH & GOAL

Las Vegas , Nevada is no more.

After two weeks of impossible upsets, the city is now in shambles, ruined by the riots of gamblers and bookies alike.

They did it last week against the heavily favored Gators, second place in 2008.

Now they’ve done it again against The 2008 Swamp League Champion Dolphins.

We’re talking of course about the one, the only…. Dough Boyz!

They make dreams come true, defeating the Dolphins 66-58 in a hell of a squeaker!

Can the David take down Goliath yet again as the Dough Boyz face another tough challenge against the #1 rated Hairs Hooligans?

“ Ur team is on the hit list bur!” shouted Coach Killa Karpha from his ’66 Cadillac low-rider while flipping some switches near the Hooligans practice field.

Can the Dough Boyz do the unimaginable and go three in a row against the leagues best?

Dough Boyz (2-2-1)

Dolphins (1-4-0)

Now let’s get naked and go streaking!!! Or not.

Who’s making big splashes in the W column? Well we believe everyone knows where this is hairing to….

W

HH – 5

G Knights – 4

Showtimers – 3

Dough Boyz – 2*

* Denotes Dallor Slayor Status

And how about going the other way? Who is headed southbound?

L

Gators – 4

The Blue Crew – 4

Dolphins – 3

BigBody Ballers – 2

Pointless and a waste of your time? We certainly hope so!

AWARDS

Our Green & Gold Award goes to.... The Hibbert Curse for raking in an outstanding 104 points! Congrats!

Our Hurricane Award goes to.... Dough Boyz for continuing the craziest Dallor Slayer win streak of all time! Congrats!

Week 5 Rankings

1. Hairs Hooligans

2. G Knights

3. Showtimers

4. Selfs Soldiers

5. Dough Boyz

6. BigBody Ballers

7. The Hibbert Curse

8. Dolphins

9. Gators

10. The Blue Crew

Things are looking a bit weird in The Swamp League!

Let’s take a look at Week 6’s matchups!

Week 6 Preview

Hairs Hooligans

VS.

Dough Boyz

G Knights

VS.

Dolphins

Showtimers

VS.

Gators

The Blue Crew

VS.

BigBody Ballers

The Hibbert Curse

VS.

Selfs Soldiers

You can always check out more stats, highlights, lowlights, not top tens and polls at our website;

www.TheWeeklySwamp.blogspot.com

or follow us on Twitter;

@TheWeeklySwamp

We’re not even half way through? Ugh.

This Just In....

EXTRA EXTRA, READ ALL ABOUT IT!

TWS has just been informed that a BLOCKBUSTER TRADE is in the works!

We have promised that all names will stay confidential, but "a long time keeper may be playing for a new team"!

The anonymous source, let's call him Deepthroat, had also this to share;

"I can't say much, but if this trade does go down a lot of people might not be too happy"

TWS is bound by our journalistic duty to not give out any more information but this sounds like a big one sports fans!

Once/if it goes down, you'll be like third to know... Headline news at it's finest folks!


Editor-In-Chief, TWS

The Weekly Swamp Volume 4, Double Issue Extravaganza/Issues 3 and 4

It killed hundreds in Mexico and has even infiltrated the United States... But Swine Flu is going to have to do better than that to bring down TWS HQ! Begin the groaning because it's time for.....

TWS DOUBLE ISSUE EXTRAVAGANZA; WEEK 3 & 4

WE HAVE WEEK 3 AND WEEK 4 RECAPS!

PADDLIN' DOWN THE SWANEE RIVER, WE FIND COACH SHOWTIME... AND YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN HIM LIKE THIS BEFORE!

IF YOU THOUGHT ONE INTERVIEW WOULD BLOW YOUR MIND, THEN GOODBYE BECAUSE WE HAVE COACH HAIR TRECE GIVING US HIS SECRET ON PUMPING UP THE G KNIGHTS BEFORE A BIG GAME... YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS PRE-GAME RITUAL!

WEEK 4 BROUGHT US THE BIGGEST UPSET IN SWAMP LEAGUE HISTORY, FIND OUT WHAT HAS ROCKED THIS LEAGUE TO THE CORE!

AWARDS, 4TH AND GOAL TWICE OVER, A WEEK 5 PREVIEW, A NEW CURSE, AND SO MUCH LESS IN THIS ISSUE OF.....

THE WEEKLY SWAMP

WEEK 3

Blowouts bonanza!

That's the only way to describe Week 3. Where shall begin?

How about with a forty five point demolishing of the Dough Boyz by the BigBody Ballers 82-37?

Sounds good.

BigBody Ballers - (2-1-0)

Dough Boyz (0-2-1)

Next up we had the Dolphins battling Selfs Soldiers and this wasn't close either! The Soldiers are aiming for the trophy as they knock off the defending champs, 66-47.

Are the Dolphins one and done?

Do the Soldiers have what it takes to make it to the next level?

Selfs Soldiers (2-1-0)

Dolphins (1-2-0)

Coach Showtime and his ever changing faceplate team, Who's Bert Tronics?, run over The Blue Crew 57-38.

Coach Showtime sits down with us in the second half of this double-header and reveals to us a softer side of Zen Mayo's brother from another mother, but will this be his year?

The Blue Crew seem to be sleeping on the job... Time to rally the union fellas!

Who's Bert Tronics? (2-1-0)

The Blue Crew (1-2-0)

The New Kings have gone the way of Coach Showtime... Well just in name at least... The Hibbert Curse has been born.

The legend says that any NFL player drafted by and/or traded/added to The Hibbert Curse is doomed to have at least one critical week out of contention due to injury.

Case in point; Carnell "Cadillac" Williams.

Drafted by The Kings in 2006... Out well before mid-season and never the same...

Chad Ochocinco in 2008? Pretty lackluster right? A member of The New Dallor.

And in 2009? Kevin Smith and Matt Hasselbeck both go down at critical times for The Hibbert Curse...

Week 3 was no different as they fall to the G Knights 87-69.

G Knights (2-1-0)

The Hibbert Curse (0-2-1)

And now it's time for...

4TH AND GOAL

Our closest slopball of a game took place between Hairs Hooligans and the Gators as they duked it out to the very end.

Remaining unbeaten, Hairs Hooligans defeat The Commish and his Gators 71-62.

Who will be the first to take down the Hooligans?

Commish is looking a little off...

Hairs Hooligans (3-0-0)

Gators (1-2-0)

AWARDS

The Green & Gold Award goes to..... G Knights and their 87 point explosion! Congrats!

The Hurricane Award goes to.... BigBody Ballers for taking care of business and continuing on the path to the Championship! Congrats!

Just when you thought you were done...

WEEK 4

Our first matchup of the week was a punishment handed out by the G Knights over the BigBody Ballers 90-42.

Not the kind of week Coach BigBody was looking for as they try to claim gold for the first time in team history.

On the other hand, this was just what Coach Hair Trece and the G Knights were looking for heading into a showdown with The Commish and his Gators.

"At first i was skpetical about my team and Week one didn't prove like i was going to be a threat this year, the feeling just wasn't there. But then i collected my thoughts and realized that I am a proven coach with a couple rings under my belt and that resurged my squad and we ripped off three in a row."

Peyton Manning is looking to have yet another major fantasy year, but is he still at the helm of the G Knights?

"I'm gonna make this quick and easy because everyone knows the answer to this question. Peyton is, and always will be, the capitain and leader of the G Knights."

When it came to Proposition $25, Coach was very confident...

"I am in for prop 25 because face it, I have a good shot at it every year so why not? But I can understand why some players like 'Self Soldiers' and 'Dough Boyz' and whatever name [Coach] Showtime picks this week would be against this because to them it's like throwing money away."

Even though Hairs Hooligans have gone undefeated thus far, G Knights show no mercy. When it came to the question of what would happen first; Hairs Hooligans make the playoffs or Dough Boyz win another Championship this is what he had to say;

"What happens first 'Hairs Hooligans' wins a championship or 'Dough Boyz' makes the playoffs? Frankly I dont think neither will happen before I become a dynasty again but if I had to really pick I guess i would say 'Dough Boyz' makes the playoffs first just cause I might take championship after championship so thats that."

With a huge game against the Gators on the horizon what is the secret pre-game ritual Coach uses to pump up the G Knights?

Get ready to be blown away sports fans....

"Boston's 'More Than A Feeling'"

Who knew that a staple of American Classic Rock was the key to a 3-1-0 start?

You do now. You're welcome.

G Knights (3-1-0)

BigBody Ballers (2-2-0)

1972.

That was the last time we saw a team go completely undefeated throughout a season.

But Coach Doc Zoidberg and Owner Hollywood Hair seem to think they have a chance.

"We're rolling right now. Playing defense was what we were lacking the past few seasons but we think we've got a pretty good mix and we got a chance at something special this year. Either that or we'll fester."

Yet there was no festering this week against the defending champion Dolphins as Hairs Hooligans come up big 79-43.

Hairs Hooligans (4-0-0)

Dolphins (1-3-0)

The curse continues....

The Hibbert Curse falls to Who's Bert Tronics? and now faces a dire situation.

"Week 5 is huge for us. We have to win. Period."

And we didn't ask for an interview... He was just at our HQ screaming at our staffers something about how much he hates Monday nights...

But guess who we did interview...

"Well first off let me say it's an honor being picked for a TWS interview. I know a lot of people are waiting for me to start shit talking and running my mouth. Well guess what, Coach Showtime has grown up and matured.

Whats the point, it's not like I'm out on the field playing the game. I'm sitting behind a screen picking who to start. I still got a nasty habit of changing the name of my team but I stopped using names like "Bigsloppy Ballers" or "The Gaytors". Actually I'm really close to settling down on a permanent name. I'm not saying everyone needs to stop the trash talk cause it does add entertainment to the league but I'm taking a little break."

This is a much different Coach Showtime than what we've seen in the past. Is this the path to glory? Or just another mind game being played by the dirtiest player in the game?

TWS: New Kings had you on the ropes... Then a gigantic second half of gameage on Sunday combined with a big Monday night gave Coach Kingsley yet another reason to sob... Give us your thoughts during that game...

Well I was in Jax that day, (NOT HANNAHVILLE) and wasn't really around stat tracker but I had a feeling Coach Kingsley's team would put up some points and it would be a true test for my team. I was fortunate enough to pick up 49's Defense who happened to give me 39 points ( Is that a record?) and really seal the deal. Minutes before the game I decided to sit Palmer and start my franchise QB, Rivers. I feel I got lucky that game, nobodies defense gets them 39 points!"

39 points is the highest we can remember any defense getting in recent memory but we'll get back to you on that one Coach.

TWS: Prop $25... Yes or No? And there are whispers of a new draft order - NFL Style... Any thougts?

"I wouldn't mind an NFL style draft. Hell I wouldn't even mind making trades for draft picks!"

He doesn't seem too bothered by his next matchup against Coach BigBody.

"My strategy for the BigBody Ballers is simple, I got A.P. at STL and half of his startes are on bye week!"

The BigBody Ballers don't seem to scare Coach Showtime but when we mentioned curse rumors he got a little jittery...

"Curses... It seems like yesterday when I traded Romo away and that damn curse started. I haven't beaten Self Soldiers yet and I dont think Bigbody has either, so maybe there's some sort of roommate curse going on. There must be someone with a Coach Kingsley voodo doll out there cause that guy is having a rough year!"

And speaking of Coach Kingsley... We asked what would happen first... A Hairs Hooligans loss or a The Hibbert Curse win?

"That's a tough one, I'm going to have to plead the 5th on this one but let me say this, Hibberts team will not go winless."

Dallor.

It's like Voldemort. He who shall not be named.

But it had to be asked... What of Sir Dustin Allor?

"Oh Dusty, what can I say, he's like a wart, he grows on you. Listen everyone has their own opinion on Dustin Diamond Allor but you can't deny that he took this league serious. He would know when you would pick someone up for your team before you even logged onto yahoo! Annoying, yes but dedicated! The kid did his homework. Do I think that we've seen the last of Dallor in the Swamp League?

No, I don't."

There has always been talks of opening up the league to two more teams... And Coach Showtime gave us his opinion...

"I know there's been talks about expanding the league by two teams and I feel it's definitely something to think about. I know a lot of people who've been asking about joining the league. It's a competitive league. I think the point system is perfect, the number of players used is perfect, the draft could use a different approach though."

And of course what about some Swamp League gear?

"Listen I can't speak for everyone but I know I look forward to the weekend and fantasy football, it's a fun league. So yeah I think the commish is doing a good job. Do I think he could hook it up with personal jerseys or shirts that rep the league, yeah why not. I do wish the name of it [The Swamp League] would change!"

Who's Bert Tronics? (3-1-0)

The Hibbert Curse (0-3-1)

Selfs Soldiers have been on a tear after losing that first week to The Commish. Three in a row after Week 4's win over The Blue Crew 78-52.

And now they face their rival, Hairs Hooligans.

1 vs. 2. And the Trash Talking Trophy is once again up for grabs. Last year Coach Self took home the beloved crown, but they'll face a much better Hooligan team this year...

HH: Your Soldiers better be ready for war....

SS: WE READY!

Selfs Soldiers (3-1-0)

The Blue Crew (1-3-0)

And now we come to....

4TH & GOAL

And this was THE BIGGEST UPSET IN SWAMP LEAGUE HISTORY!!!

If we were to tell you that Coach Killa Karpha took out the top dog Commish Kratish, would you believe us? Oh, you'd commit us to the insane asylum? Yea that sounds about right... but ladies and gentlemen as we sit here and type this, it happened.

In a season where almost everything has already happened, the impossible occurred. The improbable took place. Dough Boyz defeated the Gators!

It was a hard fought battle but the Dough Boyz took down to the one and plowed through for the W.

Could this be an Olo year?

Will the Gators rebound against a tough as nails G Knights team in Week 5 or continue a downward spiral towards a number one pick in 2010?

Dough Boyz (1-2-1)

Gators (1-3-0)

Week 4 Rankings

1. Hairs Hooligans
2. Selfs Soldiers
3. Who's Bert Tronics?
4. G Knights
5. BigBody Ballers
6. Dough Boyz
7. Dolphins
8. Gators
9. The Blue Crew
10. The Hibbert Curse

Week 5 Matchups

Hairs Hooligans*

vs.

Selfs Soldiers*

G Knights

vs.

Gators

Who's Bert Tronics?

vs.

BigBody Ballers

The Blue Crew**

vs.

The Hibbert Curse**

Dolphins

vs.

Dough Boyz

* Denotes Major Rivalry Game

** Dubbed "The Battle Of The Bottom Of The Barrel"

AWARDS

The Green & Gold Award goes to... Who's Bert Tronics? 102 points, only the second time in 09 that a team has broken into triple digits! Congrats!

The Hurricane Award goes to.... Yup you guessed it... Dough Boyz! To pull off such a major upset gives us all a reminder of why we love this game and this league so very much! Congrats!

You can catch even more Swamp League swag at our website;

www.TheWeeklySwamp.blogspot.com

or

Follow us on Twitter;

@TheWeeklySwamp

That Swine Flu almost worked....