The Weekly Swamp Volume 4, Issue Number 5

“ Ur team is on the hit list bur” – Coach Killa Karpha

THINGS ARE GETTING A LITTLE MUGGY IN THE SWAMP….

THE HIBBERT CURSE STORMED TWS HQ AND DEMANDED AN INTERVIEW… SO WE PUT DOWN THE BUBBLER AND JUMPED ON I-4, LANDING AT RAYMOND JAMES STADIUM… AND THE YUCKANEERS STILL LOOK BAD… BUT COACH KINGSLEYS HOPING FOR A COMEBACK LIKE NO OTHER AS WE GOT TO CHAT WITH THE HIBBERT CURSE!

THE COMMISH HAS SENT DOWN A NEW RULING REGARDING PROPOSITION $25 AND SHOWS US THE MONEY!

THE SWAMP LEAGUE IS ALL SHOOK UP IN THE RANKINGS BUT HOW CRAZY HAVE THINGS GOTTEN?

DOES THE SWAMP LEAGUE HAVE A GIANT KILLER? A DAVID TAKING OUT GOLIATHS? A DALLOR SLAYER?

WE’RE GOING STREAKING…. OK, STOP VOMITING; WE’RE TALKING ABOUT THE STRINGS OF WINS AND LOSSES THAT HAVE HIT THE SWAMP LEAGUE!

SCORES, SNORES, BORES AND SO MUCH LESS IN THIS WEEKS ISSUE OF….

THE WEEKLY SWAMP

We have got an action packed week so let’s get right to it! The Commish and his Gators have been slipping a little bit as of late but did that continue this week against the G Knights?

Coach Hair Trece lost the first game of the season and since has been on a tear! Like a Walsh on a lobster boat, scooping slobs all day long!

The Commish takes another huge hit to the Gators as the G Knights take home the W, 97-58.

Now at 4-1-0, Coach Hair Trece hopes to lead the G Knights back to the land of success and yet another Swamp League Trophy!

Are the Gators fading back into The Swamp?

Have the G Knights lanced their way back into the top three for good?

G Knights (4-1-0)

Gators (1-4-0)

As the biggest week of the season loomed, Coach Kingsley didn’t flinch. It was The Battle Of The Bottom Of The Barrel and he put on the white helmet, bared down and knocked off The Blue Crew, 104-70.

Breaking triple digits and putting The Hibbert Curse in the early playoff picture was no easy task.

“Well, I started off slow, and at halftime was actually losing by about 20. We made the adjustments at halftime and Mike Turner got up and made a great speech. I think it really turned around when we put the #1 vs. #2 game on right after Turner’s speech. Yep, it was Hair vs. Self, and the cameraman showed the Coach Hairkid (Coach Doc Zoidberg) on the sidelines and it made my players blood boil. We came out early in the 2nd half and TJ and Andre made some big plays and we got right back in it. My team is going to put up points!”

And Coach was not into chatting about his newest rival… yep you guessed it… Hairs Hooligans…

“His team is not that good.”

And it gets brutal folks… Mature Audiences Only.

"He thinks he has all these ballers but when I look at his roster, I’m not impressed. It’s not some much Coach Zoidberg as much as it is THE HAIR. The hair likes to run its mouth. All in all there is not a ton of beef, but you always gotta gun for who’s on top. Normally I like to plan my season around my matchups with the Gators, but since they are pulling a Dusty Allorrs in the Dallor-league (being in last place in your own league), our team has other concerns currently.”

This interview may not have happened, but Coach Kingsley actually showed up with Kevin Smith and Mike Sims-Walker demanding to be put on the record.

“Ever hear of the Madden Curse? Well my beef stems from the TWS pre-season champion pick. Yes, it was me, and hell, it was a great educated guess. But right now, it appears to have cursed me. Week 1 I start Schaub….0 TDs, Hasselbeck on my bench gets 4. Week 2, I start Hasselbeck, he breaks his ribs! Schaub has 4 TDs on my bench. It appears that the new curse of the league is none other than The Hibbert Curse, and right now, my entire franchise has a major beef with TWS and all involved.”

This guy’s got a beef with everyone! But it wasn’t all bad news… The Hibbert Curse pulled a viable Mike Sims-Walker for TJ Whosyomamma just minutes before game time… What the hell happened?

“Apparently Mike had a little rendezvous with Steven Moffett in Seattle , and they were out a little too late. Curfew is Curfew and their can not be exceptions. As much as it hurt, I had to give Housh the start, and he delivered. Mike is still the starter but Housh will be seeing more time after last week’s performance.”

But after all this… Is The Hbbert Curse championship bound?

“Its going to be interesting, that is for sure. Hairs Hooligans seem to look good but I don’t think they are all they’re cracked up to be. They are definitely beatable and their coaching is very shaky. Rick (Coach Hair Trece of the G Knights) has proven he knows how to win with honor. Something Coach Hairkid (Coach Doc Zoidberg) could learn. Coach Showtime is a wildcard, and you can’t sleep on Coach Self, Coach BigBody, or anyone else in the league for that matter. Every team is capable of beating every team on any given Sunday. That is what makes this league great. If you don’t believe me, ask Kratish what happened with Olo last week.”

#1, 2, and 3 (Dolphins, Gators, The Blue Crew) are now looking at dire situations at #8, 9, and 10 respectively... Can Coach Kingsley help explain the shake up in the Swamp League?

“Does it have anything to do with The Hibbert Curse? It’s way too early in the season to judge. We need to wait a few more weeks and see how things shake out.”

Great insight stink kid.

Does he have any particular strategy for Selfs Soldiers in Week 6?

“Planning on having someone special give the pre-game speech. (Name rhymes with Flawed Bones)”

Could the Florida Marlins’ greatest closer of all time be heading into The Hibbert Curse locker room for a Big Gipper type motivational movement? Who? Todd Jones! Who? Todd Jones!

And finally, with major implications on the line, we asked;

We have still not received a definitive answer... Yes or No on Proposition $25?

“Hair.”

After this he “dusty-kicked” a chair over in a dallor-like tantrum as we left St. Keeleysburg, Abramo County , Florida .

The Hibbert Curse (1-3-1)

The Blue Crew (1-4-0)

Speaking of hating on those Hooligans…

IT WAS A RIVALRY GAME!!!!

And not just any Rivalry Game… This was…

The Trash Talk Trophy Game!

Selfs Soldiers. Hairs Hooligans. Both heavy boasters. One team wanting to stay atop the league, the other; looking for first place for the first time.

And this one did not disappoint sports fans!

Hairs Hooligans haven’t scored less than 69 points a game…. Pun intended.

Could Selfs Soldiers take down the undefeated, scoring an average of 78.75 ppg?

“We continue to work hard and play hard. After last weeks win we went out and partied with Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt. And Brad turns to me and says ‘Hey… How ‘bout them Hooligans?’” – Coach Doc Zoidberg

Selfs Soldiers suffered only their second loss of the season to the Hooligans, 77-53.

“We really needed to take back the trophy after last years sad loss. And now… It’s time to focus on the second half of this season....”

How much longer can the Hooligans stay perfect?

Will Selfs Soldiers see a familiar trash talking rival in the finals?

Hairs Hooligans (5-0-0)

Selfs Soldiers (3-2-0)

Proposition $25. The Swamp League may be going green… And we ain’t talking eco-friendly…

With all the whispers now turned into shouts, a decision has been made. TWS scored a few moments on the phone with The Commish and this is what he had to say;

“70% of the vote is needed. Those that do not care for it can leave. You can’t please everyone.”

So here’s the breakdown…

Hairs Hooligans – Yes

G Knights – Yes

Who’s Bert Tronics? – Yes

Selfs Soldiers – Yes

Dolphins – Yes

Gators – Yes

Six for yes.

Three for undecided.

One for “Hair” and/or “An expulsion of Hairs Hooligans from The Swamp League forever”. Thanks for breaking the tie Coach Kingsley!

One more vote for yes and Prop. $25 will be the newest part of The Swamp League!

Dough Boyz, BigBody Ballers and The Blue Crew have yet to announce their decision.

Stay tuned TWS fans… if there are any out there…

Who is Bert Tronics?

A. Hip-Hop Phenomenon

B. The electrical experts at Holiday Isle

C. The last of the names in the name change dynasty

If you answered C, give yourself a huge pat on the back because you’re not only correct, but you’re about to stumble in to another heated game review between The Showtimers (Coach Showtimes new and possible permanent name) and a team on a mission; The BigBody Ballers.

With only eleven points separating these two juggernauts, The Showtimes come out on top over the BigBody Ballers, 75-64.

Maybe this new side of Showtime that has been exposed is for real, but maybe Zen Mayo’s long lost brother is pulling the hair… ooops, we mean wool over everyone’s eyes.

Can Coach RTD/BigBody pull this season together for their first ever Swamp League Trophy?

Will we ever see another “Big Sloppy Ballers” or “Selfs Shits”? We here at TWS will miss the name changes, but if you’re going to stick with one name… It’s gotta be… Showtimers.

Showtimers (4-1-0)

BigBody Ballers (2-3-0)

We’ve driven down the field eighty yards and have come to final play of the game… It’s time for….

4TH & GOAL

Las Vegas , Nevada is no more.

After two weeks of impossible upsets, the city is now in shambles, ruined by the riots of gamblers and bookies alike.

They did it last week against the heavily favored Gators, second place in 2008.

Now they’ve done it again against The 2008 Swamp League Champion Dolphins.

We’re talking of course about the one, the only…. Dough Boyz!

They make dreams come true, defeating the Dolphins 66-58 in a hell of a squeaker!

Can the David take down Goliath yet again as the Dough Boyz face another tough challenge against the #1 rated Hairs Hooligans?

“ Ur team is on the hit list bur!” shouted Coach Killa Karpha from his ’66 Cadillac low-rider while flipping some switches near the Hooligans practice field.

Can the Dough Boyz do the unimaginable and go three in a row against the leagues best?

Dough Boyz (2-2-1)

Dolphins (1-4-0)

Now let’s get naked and go streaking!!! Or not.

Who’s making big splashes in the W column? Well we believe everyone knows where this is hairing to….

W

HH – 5

G Knights – 4

Showtimers – 3

Dough Boyz – 2*

* Denotes Dallor Slayor Status

And how about going the other way? Who is headed southbound?

L

Gators – 4

The Blue Crew – 4

Dolphins – 3

BigBody Ballers – 2

Pointless and a waste of your time? We certainly hope so!

AWARDS

Our Green & Gold Award goes to.... The Hibbert Curse for raking in an outstanding 104 points! Congrats!

Our Hurricane Award goes to.... Dough Boyz for continuing the craziest Dallor Slayer win streak of all time! Congrats!

Week 5 Rankings

1. Hairs Hooligans

2. G Knights

3. Showtimers

4. Selfs Soldiers

5. Dough Boyz

6. BigBody Ballers

7. The Hibbert Curse

8. Dolphins

9. Gators

10. The Blue Crew

Things are looking a bit weird in The Swamp League!

Let’s take a look at Week 6’s matchups!

Week 6 Preview

Hairs Hooligans

VS.

Dough Boyz

G Knights

VS.

Dolphins

Showtimers

VS.

Gators

The Blue Crew

VS.

BigBody Ballers

The Hibbert Curse

VS.

Selfs Soldiers

You can always check out more stats, highlights, lowlights, not top tens and polls at our website;

www.TheWeeklySwamp.blogspot.com

or follow us on Twitter;

@TheWeeklySwamp

We’re not even half way through? Ugh.