THE WEEKLY SWAMP

VOLUME 11, NO. 1

DALLORS AND BALLERS AND 1 POINT STAT CORRECTIONS, OH MY! WEEK 1 IN THE BOOKS, RECAPS AND SCORES AHEAD!

“IT’S ONLY THE FIRST WEEK MY LITTLE CHIPPIES” WE SAT DOWN WITH COACH DOC ZOIDBERG, THEIR NEW SURPRISE GM AND THE REST OF THE REIGNING CHAMPS FOR OUR FIRST INTERVIEW OF THE YEAR!

CORAL SHORES’ OWN DEAN OF STUDENTS RON MARTIN HANDS OUT THE 2012 DRAFT DAY REPORT CARDS AND RUNS A FEW OF YOU DOWN IN HIS GOLF CART!

AUSTIN 3:16 SAYS I JUST PICKED MY FAVORTIES FOR THE PLAYOFFS!! OH HELL YEAH THE RATTLESNAKE IS IN THE BUILDING AND NOT A BEER CAN IS SAFE!!

All this and yup. So. Much. Less. In this weeks edition of…

THE WEEKLY SWAMP

VOLUME 11

NO. 1

We’re back Swamp fans and we’re slammed packed with news this week so let’s jump right into the action!

Our first matchup of the 2012 season is between BigBody Ballers and The MusChamps and folks it was a blowout! Not like the UM/KState blowout, but it was still pretty horrific to watch. BigBody Construction set up site and threw the wrecking ball through Coach Joiners Muschumps 92-49.

“I promise you one thing, a lot

Of good will come out of this.

You will never see any player in

The entire country play as hard

As I will play the rest of the

Season. You will never see

Someone push the rest of the

Team as hard as I will push

Everybody the rest of the season.

You will never see a team

Player harder than we will

The rest of the season.

Hooooorah!” said sternly Coach Joiner with a mist in his eyes. Will his words ring true, bring about a championship run and mount a plaque commemorating this particular moment? Keep it locked TWSaholics!

BigBody Ballers (1-0-0)

The MusChamps (0-1-0)

Next up we have the rookie of the league The New Dallor taking on the troublemaker of the league, Coach Self. His soldiers suited up, but somebody emptied their clips as Coach Kyle KI Dubbs adds his Swamp League debut to the W column 89-62.

Coach Kyle could not be reached for comment, but did leave this post in regards to his week one win over Selfs Soldiers; “Get this clown outta ‘hair’, I’m through with him!”

This new guy’s really making a mark hair… Could his next target be the incumbent champions?

The New Dallor (1-0-0)

Selfs Soldiers (0-1-0)

Editor-In-Chief!! Get into my office right now!!

Ron Martin here. Dean of Students, Coral Shores High School, Monroe County Florida. I’m not here to tell you any funny jokes ok? My golf cart needs a charge so I’ll pass out your less than stellar grades for this years 2012 draft and I’ll get on my way. I hear a couple of young punks making trouble in D Wing and I see Easevoli trying to skip 3^rd period. Johnny!! Get back here!!

Back to the madness, our reigning silver medalist is significantly less attractive than McKayla Maroney, but at least—wait, what? She’s how old? … Ladies and gentlemen, we here at TWS would like to retract that last statement. Let’s just say our reigning silver medalist is of age and goes by the name Coach Hair Deuce aka Coach Hibburt With A U. His Dallors went toe to toe with another longstanding member Coach Hair Trece and his G Knights and it wasn’t pretty as the first place losers Ohio St. the Knights 97-79.

After the game a big trade went down only the second of the season after The Commish traded Reggie Bush to TeamNoSleep for A.J. Green, again involving The Commish. This time, he traded Victor Cruz to Hairs Dallors for Darren Sproles.

Kratistro really wanted this trade to go down telling TWS “I’ve been a Sproles since his K State days. I had to get my hands on him”, but is The Commish having a fire sale?

“Feels good to rip off The Commish again, see prior trade where I acquired Brees” said Coach Hibburt at a press conference earlier this week.

So we looked it up. The Commish traded away Drew Brees for Andre Johnson, opening up a spot at QB for the Gators. No problem for The Commish, saying “RG3 is the next Peyton Manning”

But after almost breaking triple digits in week one, Hairs Dallors are looking to do something they haven’t done in a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time. Win a championship.

Hairs Dallors (1-0-0)

G Knights (0-1-0)

GLASS SHATTERS

OH HELL YEA TWSAHOLICS!!!

The Rattlesnake is here to give my Stone Cold locks for the playoffs in 2012.

Hairs Dallors and BigBody Ballers both are gonna get easy byes into the semis, but fighting in the quarterfinals we see The Showtimers showing up The Commish as well as the rookie The New Dallor out dustying G Knights to move on.

In the semis, we’ve got The Showtimers coming up short against Hairs Dallors and The New Dallor looking to pull a Coach Nesto and grab the trophy in his first season as he gives the Lou Thesz Press to BigBody Ballers.

The Superbowl gives us the underdog redshirt freshman up against the seasoned vet in a one on one matchup that goes down to the wire. The New Dallor and Hairs Dallors get to the very end at the same time and tie. For the first time we’ll have two co-champions.

Coach HD extends the olive branch with a cold Steveweiser and Coach KI Dubbs reluctantly accepts. Doing so, he raises it high into the air towards the crowd in celebration. Turning back to Coach HD, he finds himself on the receiving end of a devastating Stone Cold Stunner. Welcome to The Swamp League, rookie.

And that’s the bottom line…. Because Stone Cold said so!

“Blop, blop, blop, I don’t see a problem with that either!” exclaimed Hairs Hooligans newest GM.

He’s a man of few words, but quality always beats out quantity. And bear traps. Owner of Hairs Hooligans, Hollywood Hair had this to say about the new GM.

“We’d like to introduce the newest acquisition of the Hairs Hooligans franchise, our new General Manager; The Mayor of Jefferton.

He brings invaluable knowledge on many areas including dams, glass eyes, porcelain birds and bronzing. He also brings his personal assistant a one Thumb Petress as well as a secretary named Eileen.”

It better light quite the fire as Coach Doc Zoidberg lost a squeaker to the Gators 63-61 in week one and have the rookie bulldozer, The New Dallor, on the docket next week. He had this to say after the game.

“We’re the champs ok? We won’t just be fine, we’re going to dominate. A dynasty. That’s what you’re looking at. First we’re gonna make the rook think twice about coming up against the champ, then in a few weeks we’ve got our rivalry matchup against the Soldiers, but there’s something on the horizon we’re really looking forward to.

In week 9, we have a rematch of SuperBowl X against Hairs Dallors. We cooking up something big, but we’re not revealing anything yet, but stay tuned to TWS to find out!”

Thanks for the plug Coach!

Dynasty Warriors or Hairs Fooligans?

Gators (1-0-0)

Hairs Hooligans (0-1-0)

Finally we have our game of the week in which The Showtimers seemingly tied TeamNoSleep. Seemingly.

How awful would it be to go to bed on Monday night knowing you barely staved off defeat, settling with a tie and saying sweet dreams only to wake up Tuesday morning to the nightmare that is… DUN DUN DUN!!!! STAT CORRECTIONS!!! AHHHHH!!!!

That was the scene for one young Coach Nesto as he realized he had been taken to dinner and left with the bill, paying in an 0-1 record in the 77-76 loss.

Coach Nesto couldn’t be reached for comment, but Coach Showtime did have this to say;

“Well listen, it’s no secret Kratish (The Commissioner of The Swamp League aka The Commish) likes me more than Ernesto so when I saw the correction I went to Western Union and wired The Commish the usual payment.”

Coach Showtime takes home the w, but has he also taken things too far?

“As the self proclaimed King of The Swamp League I can pretty much do whatever I want. Heck, I might sit my whole team one week and I’d still win.”

The biggest heel in The Swamp has awoken and it seems like this is going to be a crazy season folks, hold onto ya butts!

The Showtimers (1-0-0)

TeamNoSleep (0-1-0)

AWARDS, YO’S. AWARDS.

If you’re not familiar with our award system, that’s ok! It doesn’t mean you’re stupid, it just means you’re not very cool. But we’re gonna learns ya, so pay attention hot shot.

GREEN AND GOLD AWARD

Our Green And Gold Award goes to the Swamp League team with the most amount of points. Our first GNG goes to Hairs Dallors for blowing up the scoreboard with a monsterous 97 point outing this week! Congrats!!

HURRICANE AWARD

Our Hurricane Award goes to the Swamp League team with the most amount of heart shown during the week, and week one’s Hurricane Award goes to our newest team; The New Dallor for a huge week one win and showing the Swamp that this new kid on the block means business! Congrats!!

In next weeks issue…

WE HAVE ANOTHER WEEK OF RED HOT SWAMP LEAGUE ACTION WITH THE ROOK TAKING ON THE CHAMP WHILE HOLDING A GIANT CUP OF COFFEE AND YELLING “AHHHHH WHATS YOUR PROOOOOOOOOOBLEM?!?”

SPEAKING OF THE NEW DALLOR, WE SENT OUT THE INVITATION FOR A HOT SEAT INTERVIEW BETWEEN THE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF AND COACH KI DUBBS… WILL HE EXCEPT OR BUCK THE ESTABLISHMENT??

ACCUSATIONS ATTACK THE COMMISH! COULD KRATISH BE THE NEW SEAN PAYTON? IS THERE SOME SORT OF BOUNTY/STAT CORRECTION CONSPIRACY HITTING THE SWAMP?!?!?

THE SWAMPS TROPHYLESS WAYS CONTINUE, BUT COULD THE END BE IN SIGHT? COME GET SMACKED IN THE MOUTH WITH A CHAMPIONSHIP BELT FULL OF TWS GOODNESS HERE NEXT WEEK AND EVERY WEEK AS WE BEGIN THIS YEARS COVERAGE OF THE SWAMP LEAGUE!!

Do you have twitter? Are you bored with the same old tweets from celebrities that you don’t really care about, but keep on your feed in case they tweet back one of your daily tweets to them? I doubt LeBron James gives a sHEAT about your “#LetsGoHeat” tweet. Are you tired of getting no response from @AdamShefter on who to start in your flex spot?

Cool. You’ve come to the right place! You can spend all that wasted time tweeting us! @TheWeeklySwamp Tweet us about anything. Or don’t. We don’t even know who’s running that thing…

And for more TWS goodies, visit our site now up and running; The Weekly Swamp Website

How excited are you for another 15 weeks of this guys?!? Guys?? Guys?!?!?!?